Lee Siegel is God

September 2, 2006

Excuse Me, I Have to Go Feed Lee Siegel’s Imaginary Cat

Filed under: The Splendor of Siegel — sprezzatura @ 4:41 pm

Lee Siegel’s cat (aloof and self-assured, like Uma Thurman at age 16. Poor Maya! Poor beautiful, cool Uma!) requires feeding.

You may ask why I, spezzatura, must go feed the cat, when clearly she is first, imaginary, and second, not my cat, but Siegel’s. To the first, I can only state that the great Siegel himself saw fit to pour her a bowl of milk, and–what’s that, Mayachka? You would like some tuna, too? Well, it shall be done.

As to why it is me feeding the cat, to paraphrase Dostoyevsky, the formula two and two make five does not mean that I am, in fact, Lee Siegel. I simply am watching Siegel’s cat while he does what he does best–order his imagination around, so as best to understand the great danger of the baseball-cap-wearing, blogofascistic young punks like Ezra Klein.

What’s that, Mayissimissima? You say I should drop the whole act, that I’m in danger of appearing to be a few bricks short of a load? To use the vulgar blog term, WTF? I feed you, and this is the thanks you give me? If you weren’t Siegel’s imaginary cat, I would refuse to take you for a walk.

Of course, I am not Lee Siegel. For Lee Siegel would never stoop to pretending to be someone else–he is far too grand a person to do such a thing. Indeed, Siegel once noted the utter futility of pretending to be something one is not:

As for the dark Internet tales, maybe Stephen Glass has his finger on the viscera of the time. He has sensed that in a commercial society that constantly stimulates the libido and makes satisfaction the highest criterion of success, any shortcut to satisfaction is permissible. Lies become a consumerist tool. Their effectiveness as a tactic earns them the quality of truth. And the libido makes no distinction between past, present, and future. It exists in an eternal present, in which each successive lie displaces the previous one and becomes the only reality. In a different age, Glass would be like one of Nabokov’s madmen, deranged frauds who have an artistic temperament but not the artist’s rational will. In our moment, the Glass-type is becoming more and more common. The Internet must be full of them.

No question, this is one of the truest things ever to be written. The brilliance of Siegel proven once again.

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91 Comments »

  1. Lee Siegel must be doing the mirror name chant nonstop this weekend. As Heraclitus said, what a schmuck.

    Comment by zudz — September 2, 2006 @ 4:58 pm

  2. The Internet must be full of them.

    Full of something, that’s for sure.

    Oh my God … it’s full of sock puppets.–Dave Bowman in ‘2006, a Blog odessy’.

    Comment by Mark B. in Austin TX — September 2, 2006 @ 5:04 pm

  3. Mirror name chant? Yowza don’t know what that is, but when you hold the name “Lee” up to a mirror, it spells “eeL.”

    Comment by Yowza — September 2, 2006 @ 5:38 pm

  4. The Mirror Chant is a particularly enlightening idea Mr. Super Siegal introduced us all to via a column way back when: Every morning he would look at himself in the mirror and cant “Lee Siegal! Lee Siegal! Lee Siegal!” to himself. The aim apparently is to see how many times you say “Lee Siegal” before bursting into laughter at how pathetic and self absorbed such a morning ritual is. Let’s all give it a go, shall we? On the count of 3. 1… 2… 3…

    Comment by Lee Si.... Ahahahaa! — September 2, 2006 @ 5:53 pm

  5. This is brilliant. I’ve been a huge Sprezzatura fan ever since he was my tutor, and I’m so glad to be reading him again now that he’s struck out on his own. Is there any braver or more brilliant writer on the Internet? I don’t think so.

    Comment by Arutazzerps — September 2, 2006 @ 6:10 pm

  6. You have answered the Nabokovian riddle posed in *Lolita.* Brilliant, truly brilliant.

    Comment by Hattie — September 2, 2006 @ 6:14 pm

  7. Of course, I am not Lee Siegel. For Lee Siegel would never stoop …
    You’re far too hard on yourself. Despite the brilliance of Lee Siegel, it’s you we come here to read.

    Oh, and over at this French blog there’s some guy pretending to be you! Better nip this in the bud before it really gets out of control.

    Comment by Awestruck on the Upper West Side — September 2, 2006 @ 6:23 pm

  8. Ooops,
    This French blog.

    Comment by Awestruck on the Upper West Side — September 2, 2006 @ 6:27 pm

  9. Wow! This guy was my professor, and we all loved him! He was great! His views on how gun control contributes to crime and giving more guns to people stops crime are absolutely irrefutable!

    Oh, wait. Am I on the wrong blog?

    Comment by Mary Rosh — September 2, 2006 @ 6:29 pm

  10. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Lee Siegal.
    Lee Siegal doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
    There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Lee Siegal has allowed to live.
    Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Lee Siegal.
    Lee Siegal does not sleep. He waits.
    Lee Siegal is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
    Lee Siegal is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
    Lee Siegal counted to infinity – twice.
    When Lee Siegal does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
    Lee Siegal is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
    Lee Siegal’s hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
    There is no such thing as global warming. Lee Siegal was cold, so he turned the sun up.
    Lee Siegal can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
    Lee Siegal doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
    Lee Siegal gave Mona Lisa that smile.
    Lee Siegal can slam a revolving door.
    Lee Siegal does not get frostbite. Lee Siegal bites frost

    Comment by antiwarhol — September 2, 2006 @ 6:36 pm

  11. When you add pee to Siegel, you get Spiegel.

    Coincidence? I don’t think so.

    Comment by hilzoy — September 2, 2006 @ 6:45 pm

  12. I have a question.

    If you were to put Lee Siegel’s imaginary cat into an imaginary box, into which sulfuric acid would be spilled, dependent upon the quantum decay of some elementary particle, would Lee Siegel’s cat be dead, or alive, or would it be just still be imaginary?

    Along the same lines, if you placed Lee Siegel’s purported chance to fuck 16-year old Uma Thurman in a closed box, under the same circumstances, would his chance become any more real, or would it still be a middle-aged sex fantasy for a guilt-ridden hack?

    I keep trying to calculate the quantum wave function for this, but it always collapses in a sweaty Freudian heap.

    Comment by Dumbo — September 2, 2006 @ 6:46 pm

  13. Dumbo: What happens to the cat is undetermined until someone imagines opening the box. What happens to Lee Siegel’s chance of fucking 16-year-old Uma Thurman, however, is already determined. As it never existed, nothing happens regardless of what you do to the box.

    Comment by NotTheronbuthisBiggestFan — September 2, 2006 @ 7:07 pm

  14. Siegel is brave, brilliant, and wittier than zudz or Dumbo will ever be. Take that, you bunch of immature, abusive sheep.

    Comment by Eli Sleeg — September 2, 2006 @ 7:44 pm

  15. Lee Siegel, Lee Siegel, Lee Siegel, Lee Siegel, Lee Siegel, Lee Siegel, Lee Siegel…Oh Lee, baby! Oh baby! yeah! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! OH God! AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

    Comment by wankatura — September 2, 2006 @ 7:59 pm

  16. Uma?

    Comment by Eli Sleeg — September 2, 2006 @ 8:14 pm

  17. So now I get to go back through a bunch of threads and cop to fucking up a pretty simple anagram. Shoulda said Sleege.

    Comment by El Gil, see? — September 2, 2006 @ 9:43 pm

  18. […] Why? I don’t know. But the imaginary cat post… is massively creepy. […]

    Pingback by StealthBadger.net » Blog Archive » How to argue like one of the Radical Right… — September 2, 2006 @ 9:45 pm

  19. I do not understand these comments. They fail to miss the important truths contained in the post. It would anger me considerably if I were Lee Siegel. I will ponder their failures as human beings while I feed my cat.

    Comment by See Legal — September 3, 2006 @ 1:46 am

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